Unending Love, How Can It Be?
Darrel's study questions for Jonah 3 hit me like a ton of bricks. I quickly realized that there is not a simple, tidy answer for any of the questions, but #2 really stood out to me this morning.
Who did God send into your life to introduce you to Him? How had God prepared you for that message?
When I was very young, the place I felt most connected and "right" was at church. I was raised Catholic, and as a young child (age 6), my best friend was a nun. I sang in the choir and I remember once looking at the light stream through the stained glass windows, and thinking that must be what God's love looks like. Around age 12 I turned my back on the church, and tried to do the same with God, but found that it wasn't quite that simple.
There have been many people over the years who reminded me about God. I was naturally attracted to Christians because of their confidence in themselves, with life and especially regarding their faith. But I was very foolish and stubborn, and maintained a self-destructive refusal to ask God into my life. One of my photo students, in particular, had such powerful faith, and was so calm and compassionate and plain nice, that I began to soften. But I did not take action to ask God into my life.
I made half-hearted gestures, but never a committment to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I always held back something, some part of my will because of arrogance and fear. Then my life came crashing down around me. My life was out of control in every way imagineable, and it was finally enough to chip through my arrogance. Finally enough for me to be willing to seek guidance and direction, because I was lost. I knew that I was teetering at the gates of hell, and if my life continued along this same path, I would be dead.
God put many people into my path that led me back to Him. A counselor who suggested AA, a friend who took me to meetings and my first sponsor who gave me unconditional love. I wanted more. I had a vague concept of God, but caried tremendous guilt and shame because of my behaviors. I had ordered God from my life, and believed that I did not have the right to ask His forgiveness. That first sponsor guided me gently, but I knew what I had to do. Alone in my apartment, I fell to my knees crying and begging God's forgiveness. I admitted my anger and arrogance and shame, and I begged forgiveness. My life was shredded by an unrelenting anxiety that often stopped me from even leaving my apartment. My shame was so great.
After that prayer, when I truly and sincerely humbled myself before God, the anxiety lifted within a minute or so, and has never returned. I was finally prepared to give myself completely to God. God allowed me to live a life of reckless self-will in order to be willing for something more, but He was always there waiting for me to ask His help. My ego had to be leveled before I was receptive to the message of God's love and Jesus' sacrifice for me, for each of us. God prepared me by allowing my path to cross those of healthy Christians, and so letting me see there is so much more in life by living according to God' will. The connection and peace of soul I sought was mine for the asking.
Peace in Christ.
Who did God send into your life to introduce you to Him? How had God prepared you for that message?
When I was very young, the place I felt most connected and "right" was at church. I was raised Catholic, and as a young child (age 6), my best friend was a nun. I sang in the choir and I remember once looking at the light stream through the stained glass windows, and thinking that must be what God's love looks like. Around age 12 I turned my back on the church, and tried to do the same with God, but found that it wasn't quite that simple.
There have been many people over the years who reminded me about God. I was naturally attracted to Christians because of their confidence in themselves, with life and especially regarding their faith. But I was very foolish and stubborn, and maintained a self-destructive refusal to ask God into my life. One of my photo students, in particular, had such powerful faith, and was so calm and compassionate and plain nice, that I began to soften. But I did not take action to ask God into my life.
I made half-hearted gestures, but never a committment to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I always held back something, some part of my will because of arrogance and fear. Then my life came crashing down around me. My life was out of control in every way imagineable, and it was finally enough to chip through my arrogance. Finally enough for me to be willing to seek guidance and direction, because I was lost. I knew that I was teetering at the gates of hell, and if my life continued along this same path, I would be dead.
God put many people into my path that led me back to Him. A counselor who suggested AA, a friend who took me to meetings and my first sponsor who gave me unconditional love. I wanted more. I had a vague concept of God, but caried tremendous guilt and shame because of my behaviors. I had ordered God from my life, and believed that I did not have the right to ask His forgiveness. That first sponsor guided me gently, but I knew what I had to do. Alone in my apartment, I fell to my knees crying and begging God's forgiveness. I admitted my anger and arrogance and shame, and I begged forgiveness. My life was shredded by an unrelenting anxiety that often stopped me from even leaving my apartment. My shame was so great.
After that prayer, when I truly and sincerely humbled myself before God, the anxiety lifted within a minute or so, and has never returned. I was finally prepared to give myself completely to God. God allowed me to live a life of reckless self-will in order to be willing for something more, but He was always there waiting for me to ask His help. My ego had to be leveled before I was receptive to the message of God's love and Jesus' sacrifice for me, for each of us. God prepared me by allowing my path to cross those of healthy Christians, and so letting me see there is so much more in life by living according to God' will. The connection and peace of soul I sought was mine for the asking.
Peace in Christ.
posted by Mary F at
12:07 PM
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